Telltale signs you are dating a Narcissist

It can be challenging to tell whether you're just dating someone who is self-centered or dating a narcissist.

What are the red flags of a narcissist?

Need for admiration, lack of empathy, and grandiosity are key. Look for signs of arrogance and entitlement, too. Self-centeredness. For narcissists, the world revolves around them.

If you are dating a narcissist, you might feel a magical connection at first but during the relationship you might feel gaslit, undervalued, ignored, and controlled.

People are easily charmed by a narcissist, especially codependents. Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. The term narcissism oftentimes gets thrown around, but it can be hard to pinpoint if you're actually dating a narcissist.

The official definition of a narcissist is a person who often lacks empathy, acts entitled, arrogant, prioritizes themselves above all else. But when you're the object of a narcissist's affection, those traits may not be so clear. Narcissists typically shower their partners with love, in ways that make it difficult to process that subtle feeling of being undervalued and ignored.

Narcissists can be hard to spot at first glance because they're extremely charismatic — watch out if you feel a 'magical' connection. The reason so many people have trouble identifying narcissists when they first start dating is because of how charming, charismatic, and confident they are. The courtship phase of dating a narcissist is typically characterized by "love bombing" — a manipulation tactic of overwhelming someone with affection, acts of service, and gifts in order to get what you want.

"Vacations, gifts, elaborate experiences, constant contact, or just too much information and too much intense interest overall". "A narcissistic relationship often starts as too much too fast — this is then followed by a cycle of devaluing, discarding, and ups and downs." An almost supernatural spark with someone might feel good at the moment, but can actually be a major red flag in the relationship. Their behavior flips after you commit to the relationship, becoming less attentive, outwardly self-centered, and inconsistent

Soon after the "honeymoon phase" is over and a narcissist has gotten you to commit and emotionally invest in the relationship, there's a flip that happens. The over affection might stop, the gifts could dwindle, and instead, there might be drastic swings in their behavior.

"As soon as the narcissist has you — like a kid with a toy — they become a bit disinterested pretty quickly, and the devaluing cycle happens, and then it is officially toxic,". They might be less attentive, not pay attention to you when you or others when speaking and be flakey with plans they might have kept during the early stage of your relationship. When they don't get their way, they might be quick to anger and shut off.

"Look for how the narcissist manages stress and disappointment, how they treat other people, how they speak about other people, do they pay attention when you or others are speaking, are they sensitive if you make an off-handed comment they perceive as an insult, are they entitled [like being] too good to stand in a line, get angry when they don't get their way,". "Do they anger quickly, are they inconsistent and shady?"You feel controlled as if you can't speak your mind without jeopardizing the relationship.

Because narcissists are self-interested, they put their needs first. This might mean you experience more and more conditions in your relationship the longer your date. Your partner might isolate you from your friends, tell you when you're allowed to go out, and even what to wear according to what they want. Any disagreement in opinion can turn into a full-blown argument because they are the priority in their minds. "You may find yourself more and more controlled, isolated from things that matter to you, second-guessing yourself, walking on eggshells — all of which characterize the narcissistic relationship".

But if you bring up their unfair treatment, a narcissist will likely gaslight you — a manipulation tactic used to make someone question their perception of the truth and reality. They may tell you that you're misremembering an ugly fight where they called you names, say they misunderstood clear boundaries you verbalized, or blame their behavior on outside factors like stress or childhood trauma. You make excuses for their behavior.

If you find yourself defending your partner's behavior, toxicity, and in some cases abuse, you likely are dating a narcissist. If you say things like "it will get better" or blame your partner's behavior on stress, a "touch childhood," or say they "didn't really mean it" these are all red flags. "These are relationships when you often feel you are upside down and confused, and you are often making excuses and rationalizations for the relationship".

All of the toxicity and gaslighting may leave you feeling hollow and without a sense of self in your relationship. "It can leave you confused, full of self-doubt, anxious, self-blaming, other negative moods including apathy, depression, a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, increasing social isolation, a sense of shame. Just by bringing up an issue, you're "blowing everything up again." By calmly standing your ground and explaining your perspective, you're "stubborn" or "angry" or "crazy" or "selfish." They'll never get that they're the ones who refuse to compromise in any capacity and draw out fights because they can't handle ever being wrong."

To be in an authentic relationship requires that a person is able to let down their guard". "Narcissists are terrified of being seen as human as that would crack open the image that they try to project as 'superhuman.'”

Relationships with narcissists are typically toxic, so cutting ties is the best next step. Your partner might tell you they're going to be better or change, it's best to cut ties with them if you detect any of the warning signs. "The best thing to do is to cut your losses, once you sense the red flags in the early days of the relationship — get out before you have too much of an investment in it".

"Relationships with narcissists are toxic. Period. They are characterized by invalidation, neglect, deceit, gaslighting, inconsistency, dishonesty. The only way you break the cycle is when the narcissist leaves you out of boredom or anger, or you spot these signs and get out of there (and possibly seek therapy to heal from the emotional damage). If you're reading this list and something in your gut just sank, know you deserve better and don't need to stay in this. There's a lot of love out there for you, but it'll never come from this person.