Signs you are in a Trauma Bonding Relationship

Trauma bonding,or traumatic bonding,can mean you are unable to leave a relationship even when your partner treats you poorly.

In psychology ‘bonding’ refers to the positive sense of connection and attachment that grows between people when they spend a lot of time together. You might notice feelings of bonding after going through something both really good or really difficult with a partner or friend. You feel closer to them, and more loyal.

‘Trauma bonding’ refers to a state of being emotionally attached not to a kind friend or family member, but to an abuser. It’s a negative form of bonding as it keeps you loyal to a destructive situation. The abuser uses cycles of abuse and then some form of reward to keep you trapped psychologically and emotionally.

Signs of trauma bonding

Not sure if you are or are not involved in trauma bonding? Look for these signs of traumatic bonding:

• you feel stuck and powerless in the relationship but try to make the best of it

• deep down there are moments you don’t even know if you like or trust the other person, but you can’t leave

• the relationship is intense and complex and involves a promise – “I promise things will get better”, “I promise when I get a job things will be different”, “I promise I’ll marry you one day”.

• you know they are ‘sometimes’ abusive, but you focus on the ‘good’ in them

• or you think you can somehow change them so they aren’t emotionally/physically abusive

• your friends and/or family have advised you leave the relationship but you stay

• you find yourself defending the relationship if others criticize it

• you have tried to leave, but you feel physically ill if you do, or like you will die or your life will be destroyed

• the other person constantly lets you down but you still believe their promise

As adults, trauma bonding can be far more subtle.We can be in a relationship where we are constantly verbally criticized,let down and manipulated. But sometimes our partner is ‘so wonderful’, we stick it out. Eventually,when we do try to leave, we can't. We feel panicky without the abusive partner, and rush back, no matter the advice of friends and family.If you feel stuck and want the strength to know when to leave,It's highly recommended you seek the support of a counselor or therapist.He or she can help you recognise what power you do have to step away.