Checking in requires a little thought and planning. But with a solid strategy in place, you can support those around you while keeping your own well-being in mind.
When we aren’t face-to-face with our friends — hanging out at bars, attending brunch, organizing board game nights — it can be easy to forget something very, very important when it comes to maintaining your personal connections with people: checking in on your friends. Because of the coronavirus and our requirement to stay isolated, we have lost our sense of routine. Maybe you used to wake up and text your friends to find out what they’re up to after work. Or you’d all go through the week knowing that you’d get together on the weekend. But because of social distancing, we have fallen into complacency with our friends. Why text them when you can’t go grab a drink later? Why call them when you can’t plan something for the weekend?
Why it's important to check in on your friends?
Check-in on your friends because you have no idea what they’re going through. Some people aren’t vocal about their deepest, darkest feelings. They don’t want to bother anyone with their problems. They don’t want to admit how badly they’ve been struggling. They don’t want to give anyone a reason to worry about them or to pity them or to judge them. You might not have a clue that they’re secretly suffering, so make sure you check in on them just in case. Tell them that you love them just in case. Remind them you’re there if they need absolutely anything just in case.
Check-in on your friends because even the people who seem like they have their lives together, one-hundred percent, might be struggling. They might be covering up their pain with laughter and smiles. They might be acting like they’re perfectly fine because they don’t want to show any weaknesses. They might be overcompensating for how miserable they feel by acting happy all the time. You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors, not even your closest friends, so make sure you treat them with as much kindness as you can carry.
1)A Quick Phone call
If you have friends who are going through something — a rough relationship, a breakup, a job transition, a move, a loss in the family, depression — these are friends you should prioritize if you only have so much energy and time to check-in. For people dealing with hardships, social distancing and quarantine have only made it harder. There are fewer distractions and fewer interactions, making your quick text more meaningful than ever.
Okay, so what is checking in? Is it a quick “hello” text? Is it a phone call? Is it asking them if they’d like to video chat? Well, each friend requires something different. You most likely know if your friends like texting over calling, or if they appreciate a deep conversation once in a while. And you also know what you have the energy to provide to them without exhausting yourself during this difficult time. Remember, you can only help others if you’re well enough yourself.
2)A Quick Text Message
Cell phones have made staying in touch easier than ever. In fact, they’ve given us very little excuse NOT to check-in. Everyone knows how fast it is to shoot over a text. That makes it even more hurtful when you don’t make the effort to send over a text to your friend. Whether it’s over Facebook messenger, another social platform, text, or whatever app you have on your phone, why not send over a short message to let them know you’re thinking of them? If you know they’re going through something difficult, don’t be afraid to address it. Tell them you’re thinking of them during this time, sending them good energy, prayers, or whatever is appropriate for that individual.
Sometimes we don’t send over these simple texts because we don’t have the time or energy to respond to the conversation that might ensue from it. Well, that’s the other beauty of texts and cell phones. Set your boundary ahead of time. Tell them you’re about to clock into work, but you just wanted to let them know how much you care. Or tell them you’re about to make dinner, but you just wanted them to know you’re thinking of them during this time.
3)Just Listen
If you do have the time and energy, sometimes it’s important to just listen. They may not be looking for advice. They may not even be looking for you to agree. During this time of social distancing, it’s just nice to have someone there listening to something they may have been bottling up inside since they have nobody to talk to.
Like before, you can make your boundaries known by letting them know you only have a certain amount of time to talk. But remember to be present and responsive when you are giving them that time to talk. They have to feel that you care.
4)Validate, Validate, Validate
Let’s face it: Knowing how to talk to a friend who’s struggling can be tough. Instead of searching for the perfect advice, or offering a more positive take on your pal’s concerns, focus on validating what they tell you.
“Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable,”.
Start by focusing entirely on your conversation. If you’re on the phone, close out any other apps.
Then, take what they say and reflect it back. For example: If your friend talks through her anxiety about the pandemic, you could say something like, “Sounds like you’re worried about the uncertainty of the future.” It’s a sign that you’re listening and her concerns are understandable.
Remember, you’re not here to correct your friend’s thoughts. Saying something like, “But don't worry!” may sound comforting, but it’s just another way of saying, “Hey, your worries aren’t valid. The way you’re thinking is wrong.”
The point isn’t to make everything better—it’s to show that you understand.
Taking care of your own needs and emotions just means you’ll be a better source of support for those around you.Check-in on yourself, check in on your crew, repeat—it's a cycle of support we all need, especially during these tough and uncertain times.
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