It’s very interesting to see how often people underestimate the importance of communication in marriage. It’s actually one of the most crucial elements of relationships that are going to withstand the test of time, it also happens to be one of the most common silent killers of relationships. As a counselor, I work with people every single day who are working on repairing relationships so I can confidently tell you that communication is key. It can help protect your relationship against all kinds of challenges, and it can repair the damage after your relationship was faced with an obstacle.
Why communication in marriage is so essential:
The easiest way to think about communication in marriage is that it is the glue that keeps the relationship together. It is how you diffuse issues, but it’s also how you work on creating a future together that makes both of you incredibly happy.If you and your spouse have a lack of communication in marriage, you may find that the two of you are drifting apart without even realizing it.
Communication in relationships is like a river. When thoughts and feelings flow smoothly between marriage partners it's fun, feels good, and helps support everyone around. However, when communication flow is turbulent, it's potentially dangerous and destructive. And when communication gets blocked, pressure builds up. Then when the words start flowing again, they tend to come out suddenly in a damaging raging flood.
Because many married couples struggle with healthy communication, especially about important issues, it’s common for couples to avoid difficult conversations. They share trickles of information back and forth about who’s going where when and who’s going to pick up the kids, without ever diving into the conversations that are actually most important to them. Overtime, the lack of a full communication flow dries up the passion and love between them.
What does great marriage communication look like? In a great relationship couples talk freely, openly, and feel safe sharing their most private thoughts. They comfortably and considerately verbalize their concerns and feelings when difficulties arise and voice their positive thoughts when things are good. Both partners talk tactfully, staying far from attacking, hurtful or controlling comments. They listen attentively, trying to understand what their partner says with sympathy rather than looking for what’s wrong in what their partner has to say or dismissing what they hear, even if they have a different perspective. And after talking, both people in the marriage feel good about the conversation, and feel like their concerns have been considered and addressed.They even look forward to the opportunity to talk with each other, whether about small things or bigger issues that require much work to resolve.
Tips for improving the effectiveness of communication in your relationship:
Be intentional about spending time together.
On average, couples spend only 20 minutes a week talking with each other. To change this, turn off the technology and make it a point to spend 20-30 minutes a day catching up with each other.
Use more “I” statements and less “You” statements.
This decreases the chances of your spouse feeling like they need to defend themselves. For example, “I wish you would acknowledge more often how much work I do at home to take care of you and the children.”
For a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be able to hear each other’s complaints without getting defensive. This is much harder than learning how to express negative feelings effectively.
Freely express positive feelings.
Most people are quicker to express negative feelings than positive ones. It is vital to the health of your marriage that you affirm your spouse. Positive feelings such as appreciation, affection, respect, admiration, and approval are like making deposits into your love account. You should have five positive deposits for every one negative. If your compliments exceed your complaints, your spouse will pay attention to your grievances. If your complaints exceed your compliments, your criticism will fall on deaf ears.
Avoid mind-reading.
It is very frustrating when someone else acts like they know better than you what you were really thinking.
Be specific.
When issues arise, be specific. Broad generalizations like, “You do it all the time!” are not helpful.
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