Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain. It might be more accurate to suggest that the extroverted (overt) narcissist would be a lot easier to see coming than the introverted (covert) narcissist.
Both types of narcissism share core features of arrogance, lack empathy, and a self-indulgent focus on the self. It is how those traits are expressed that identifies an individual as fragile or malignant. By identifying the characteristics that make up the narcissist’s structure, an abused victim can prepare for how they might be treated. Anticipation plays a major part in heightened anxiety as the mind and body are both in a constant state of preparing for a confrontation. By anticipating how the narcissist will act, you can not only cope with unnecessary stress but even protect yourself from future attacks.
Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissists are also referred to as vulnerable narcissists. Like grandiose narcissists, coverts have low self-esteem; however, this is where the similarity ends. Grandiose narcissists hide their fragility with bombastic exteriors and arrogance while coverts embrace it and use it as their exploitative tool to elicit sympathy and attention. This less obvious type of narcissism is hidden behind shyness. Coverts are highly sensitive to criticism, prone to depression and anxiety, and love to share their woe-is-me tales with anyone who will listen.
Coverts are very possessive of their friends, family, children, and partners. A covert narcissist may not want to remain married to their spouse and even move out and date other people but will be furious if the partner files for divorce or if he himself begins dating ("How dare that woman go out with my husband!"). The mentality of “do as I say, not as I do” is particularly strong with covert narcissists because of their possessiveness and high emotional needs. They will manipulate their children, friends, and family members in order to keep them loyal to only themselves.
These individuals harbor expectations of grandiosity and desirableness and will adjust the narrative to fit these expectations. For example, society considers adultery to be wrong and immoral. If a covert narcissist is called out on their affair, the blame is placed on the ex-partner for allegedly driving them to cheat and is therefore admissible. Alternately, the covert may accuse their partner of cheating if the partner mentions a female coworker after a day at the office and bring sympathy upon themselves.
Covert narcissists are incredibly hypersensitive and passive-aggressive. They believe they deserve something — power, attention, forgiveness— but they are being unjustly denied or do not want to do the necessary work in order to achieve the end goal. These individuals believe they are better than other people but are being unfairly held back and will respond with resentment and grudges. It is far easier to blame other people than to point the finger at oneself.
Intimidation is another tactic often employed in covert narcissism. Intimidation tactics may be easy to see, as is the case when someone grows aggressive and confrontational. Intimidation does not have to be physical, though, and does not have to involve yelling or a physical altercation. Instead, intimidation by a narcissist might look far more akin to defensive lashing out. For instance, if a friend goes to a covert narcissist and says, “Hey. You mocked me in front of everyone yesterday, and I was upset by it. It was not an appropriate thing to do,” the covert narcissist may then respond, “It was a joke! Can you not take a joke? I didn’t know you were so sensitive.” This tears the other person down dismisses their frustration and paints the narcissist as nothing more than an entertaining jokester who is just a little bit misunderstood.
Covert Narcissists And Abuse
Narcissism is a very serious problem, both for the person who is showing symptoms of narcissism and for those who are close to the narcissist. Being in a relationship of any kind with a covert narcissist often leads to a rash of emotional abuse, fear, and confusion. Although the abuse perpetrated by a narcissist does not always involve physical harm-and very often does not include physical harm, as it may be too easy to trace back-it is very real, and it takes a toll on the lives of its victims.
Manipulation, gaslighting, and intimidation are all forms of abuse commonly used by covert narcissists. These tactics allow covert narcissists to systematically break down the people around them, to maintain a show of superiority. In overt narcissism, this show of superiority often comes in the form of loud boasts and attention-grabbing behavior. Still, in covert narcissism, the process is often less easy to recognize. Through putting themselves down, downplaying their talents, and continually twisting the story, covert narcissists cause severe trauma for their victims.
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