7 Ways to break traumatic bonding
1. STOP THE SECRET SELF-BLAME.
There is a secret voice in your head that says you are to stupid or weak to leave, that you deserve this, that it’s the best you’ll get?
What if it’s not your fault that you can’t leave? What if, actually, your brain is programmed to be loyal to an abuser and see the best in an abusive situation?
The truth is that most of us who end up in this sort of relationship suffered abuse as a child, whether that was sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or physical abuse. As a child, making the best of the abusive situation was the only option.
Unless you did therapy to process your beliefs and experiences, your brain will still believe this is the best survival tactic – to put up with abuse.
If the person who abused you was a parent or family member, you might even have a deep-rooted unconscious core belief that abuse is love.
2. START REALITY TRAINING.
A defence mechanism we use to stay trapped by a trauma bond is denial. We block out, quickly forget, and/or rewrite the reality of the abuse and focus on the things he or she promised – that future marriage that never comes, that day he or she quits drinking,.
Making a record of everything that happens is a great start to ‘getting real’. But of course this must be something your abuser can never find. Leave the list at work, or in an email draft of an account he or she does not and will never have the pass code to.
Each day write down key points of what happened between you. What he or she said and did. Be as factual as possible. And sure, write down the good things, too. Start to see if there are patterns.You might even want to write your entire relationship out like a story that happened to someone else.“One day, he was walking into a bar, and he met her…..”. When we remove ourselves like this, our unconscious allows forgotten things to surface. 3. ASK GOOD QUESTIONS.
Questions can shift our perspective, reveal our true feelings and give us clarity.
The secret is to learn how to ask good questions. Avoid ‘why’ questions, which send you on a spiral and can leave you depressed.How long ago did your partner start making promises? What has he or she done exactly to fulfil those promises? What is your ideal relationship? How does this relationship differ? What changes do you want your partner to make? What proof do you have they can make such changes?
4 .START A LONG PUT-OFF PROJECT WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT.
The thing about trauma bonds is that we lose ourselves to them. Our entire life becomes about the intense highs and lows of the relationship. Putting our focus on a long put off goal is about remembering who we are. Make sure it is nothing to do with your partner. Whether it’s learning ballet, writing a novel, or finally finishing high school, this is your lifeline back to yourself.
5.SHIFT PERSPECTIVE.
A shift in perspective gives you all new clarity. You can try out the perspective of anyone, real or fictional, dead or alive, and even different versions of yourself.
How would your 80 year old self feel looking back at your life? What would your 5 year old self tell you about what you are doing right now?
6. STOP THE GAMES.
One of the ways a trauma bond thrives is through intensity and conflict. So one of the ways to dampen the bond is to stop your side of the battle.
Stop the blame. Start noticing each time you say ‘you make me feel this when you do that’. Replace ‘you’ sentences by making them ‘I’ ones which stops the blame. “I feel this when you do that’.
Stop demanding they explain things. Each time you hear yourself wanting to force them to explain try to step away and timeout. An abuser will never tell you the truth anyway.
Make a list of all the ways you expect then to change. You cannot change someone else. Try to stop pushing for any of those changes (this will also help you see them more clearly).
Have a friend you can call instead when you are upset. Use a timer so you only rant for 5 minutes. Enough time to break your need for intensity but not destroy your friendship.
7.SEEK UNBIASED SUPPORT
Unbiased support means support from someone outside the situation, who isn’t part of your life or invested in your choices.'
'If there is only one thing on this list you do, make it this one. Breaking a trauma bond is hard to do alone, and support is vital.''
This might at first be a support group, or an online forum of other women who are going through something similar.
Do your best to find some professional support, too. Remember most trauma bonding happens because we already went through trauma in the past. So there is a lot going on, and it can be truly overwhelming to navigate alone. A professional is trained in helping you have clarity of thought and to find your resources. They are a willing ear, too, when you just need to rant or cry in ways you never usually let yourself.
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