Triangulation is a term often used in counseling and therapy. As it relates to co-parenting, it describes a relationship between three parties, where two parties – in this case, the parents – do not communicate effectively. This forces the third party – or, the children – to communicate for them.
This can occur in many ways, including:
Parents sending messages to each other through their children,
Parents sharing their anger or frustration about the other parent with their children;and
Parents directly asking children about the other parent’s life.
These actions place a considerable amount of stress on children. They leave children stuck in the middle of their parents, either to play peacemaker or be forced to take sides.
Parents might not mean any harm, especially if there is a high level of tension between them. However, triangulation is a common challenge ,parents with children face after a divorce, and it can be harmful to children and the whole family in the long run.
How Triangulation Hurts Your Children
It threatens their security.
Children’s sense of security is threatened when parents triangulate. It can feel like no adult is in charge thus leaving them to feel the pressure of managing their own lives. Neither adult feels reliable to lean on for leadership. But children were never meant to lead their own lives. It gives them a heavier burden than they should have to bear.
When triangulated, children are put in the position of advising their parents. But adult-sized problems are much too weighty for a child to handle. Even if a child seems fine as he or she listens to one parent vent, the child is internally feeling the pressure to solve a problem he or she is unequipped to solve. Children who are triangulated also will learn that they have to keep their own emotions to themselves to avoid causing more pain for a parent.
It creates a sense of powerlessness.
When one parent views him or herself as a victim of the other, the children learn that they are powerless in life unless they are the villain. But when parents treat their situation as a hardship to overcome and show respect toward a former spouse, the child learns resilience. Life will always have some measure of unfairness. How we handle unfairness is key. Either we are run over by it or we conquer it and rise up strong.
It encourages passive aggression and manipulation.
If one parent uses children to get what he or she wants from the other parent, the children learn that passive aggression and manipulation are the means to use to deal with difficulty in relationships. Direct communication, even if it’s difficult, teaches children to have assertive communication skills.
Co-parents can take steps to proactively prevent triangulation or put an end to it by:
Establishing rules for communication: It might be helpful for parents to sit down with a mediator and discuss how they can communicate effectively. Perhaps they will limit communication to electronic messaging through texts or a co-parenting app. They should also consider creating rules about which topics they should not discuss in front of their children to avoid an argument.
Agreeing to put children first: If parents commit to putting their children’s best interests first, they can help ensure they actively avoid involving their children in any disagreements or conversations with their co-parent. It can be difficult to set one’s emotions aside, but it is often necessary to protect the children.
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