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Writer's pictureThandiwe Matshazi

Family Secrets and How They Drive Families Apart


One of the most toxic problems confronting many families is the existence of secrets that prevent open communication and ultimately lead to serious health and mental health problems for family members. In the end, some families are unable to maintain their cohesiveness because of family secrets.

Relationships with family members come not only from biological bonds but also from the bonds of maintained connection. When secrets enter a family, they can either enhance or undermine that connection. Benign family secrets that can increase closeness include things like children sharing a “secret” language from their parents or family units sharing inside jokes and traditions. The secrets are rooted in joy and intimate sharing of knowledge.

More insidious secrets, however, such as a prison record, sexual abuse in the family, or an extramarital affair, can pull at the fabric of a family and are rooted in the shame of broken rules and taboo subjects. These secrets are often kept to prevent embarassement, protect a family from judgment, and avoid punishment. These secrets often lead to internal trust issues, increased anxiety, and shame.

On the other hand, traumatic, painful, or life-changing secrets potentially can damage an entire family’s mental health and well-being for some time.

So should you keep your family’s secrets? Here’s why it might be harmful to continue doing so.


The most frequently kept secrets within a family include, but are not limited to, finances, serious health issues and death, and impending divorce.

While keeping a family secret from the outside world may be advisable in some instances for privacy or protection, keeping secrets within the family can prove problematic. Here are five reasons why:

1)Keeping secrets can destroy relationships.

Keeping secrets within a marriage, or any significant adult relationship, can cause a breakdown in communication. The bond between the adults may be irreparably harmed, causing harm to any children as well.

2)Keeping secrets can affect children’s lives.

Keeping secrets within a marriage, or any significant adult relationship, can cause a breakdown in communication. The bond between the adults may be irreparably harmed, causing harm to any children as well.

3)Keeping secrets can cause suspicion and resentment.

Keeping secrets within a family can ignite feelings of suspicion and resentment among family members. We would all like to believe that those closest to us can be trusted, that those we love and respect say what they mean, and that what they say is truthful. Trust is severely compromised when family members learn that a secret, especially one that is compounded by a lie, has been hidden from them.

4)Keeping secrets can create a false sense of reality.

Keeping secrets within a family can create a false sense of reality, especially among children. Children learn about the world from the adults in their lives. When eventually told the truth, either by a parent, or even worse by someone outside the family, their world may feel shattered.Secrets’ impact on children can be profound, regardless of their age. Parents who habitually keep secrets from their children should keep in mind the possibility that such behavior could very well be repeated in future generations.

5)Keeping secrets can cause illness.

Keeping traumatic secrets can result in excessive stress and guilt for the person carrying the burden of knowledge, even when that silence is thought to be the best possible option for all concerned. Physical symptoms such as anxiety, headaches, backaches, and digestive problems often can occur when disturbing secrets are internalized, rather than shared, especially over a long period of time. Persons harboring such discomfort often turn to alcohol, or other addictive substances, to mask their pain. It is important to remember that both the person keeping the secret, as well as those who live with the secret-keeper, including young children, can experience similar physical and mental health issues.

Every family has a right to privacy and determining the question of privacy versus secrecy will look different in every family. Hidden birthday presents, private diagnoses, and internal traditions can draw families together cohesively and lovingly.

Family secrets that center on rule violations and taboo subjects, however, tend to create strife. Individual secrets lead to isolation and anxiety about the secret emerging. Internal secrets create factions and often put kids in the middle of parental issues. Shared family secrets create a sense of loyalty based not on a sense of connection but fear and shame that the secret could come out.


Families must examine themselves and the way information moves through them. Only then can they come together and start to assess and address the role of family secrets. 









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