The three stages of Narcissist Abuse are Idealize, Devalue, and Discard. They can cycle around and around until You get it and stop the cycle. It’s a phenomenon called the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle is broken down into three important phases: idealization, devaluation, and rejection.
By understanding these key points, people who are struggling with narcissism or those who are in a relationship with a narcissist can get the help they need. Let’s take a closer look at the narcissistic abuse cycle. Knowing the signs of narcissistic abuse can also help you recognize the narcissistic abuse cycle.
IDEALIZE
Narcissists choose a target for many reasons but to qualify as a ‘great target’ they look for your vulnerabilities that will show them what you have tolerated before. Often targets are chosen based on their status, jobs, attractiveness, popularity, successfulness and wealth. The greater the status of quality you offer the higher value you have to them, to first conquer, then to destroy. Once they have decided you hold a value of ‘supply’ to them they are vigilant in their pursuit, showering targets with loving attention, compliments and they instantly tell you how you are different than anyone they have ever been with.
The language of the Idealize cycle
I always dreamt of someone as perfect as you are. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
I knew right away that we were Soul Mates (or Twin Flames).
Your ex was crazy to let you go, you are amazing. I will never leave you.
No one has ever been this good to me.
DEVALUE
Victims of abuse are often unaware this stage has begun, their intuition is niggling them that something has changed and it’s often hard to put a finger on it. Narcissists play a public game and a private game which makes it harder to understand. Expressing your concerns suddenly turns you into the ‘jealous one’ and they make you doubt yourself. He/she becomes cold and uncaring almost overnight, this is when the “mask falls” and you see the real person. They make excuses and if we don’t accept these excuses then you are the ‘crazy’ one. They are managing down your expectations from constant contact to crickets this verbally and emotional abuse hurts.
The language of the Devalue cycle
The more I get to know you the more I don’t like you. My exes were much better, nicer than, prettier than, smarter than, and more responsible than you.
You were never good enough for me. I can’t believe you fooled me into believing you were someone else.
I can see why everyone leaves you. You never listen to anyone and you always need to be right.
You are an emotional mess; I can’t keep picking up your pieces.
DISCARD STAGE
Many victims often say the ‘discard’ came out of the blue and that everything was fine, then they get a phone call, text or Facebook message dismissing them in a cold and hurtful way. In the devalue stage the narcissist went hot and cold. in this phase, the victim is the ‘crazy X’, ‘psycho bitch’ that sends their head spinning at these false accusations. It’s important to know the narcissist will target your strengths and call them your weaknesses. This is called a smear campaign and the goal here is to ruin you, make you crawl up in a little ball and not be able to educate yourself that this was them not you. Many victims are thrown into CPTSD and suffer greatly as they try to put back together with their lives.
The language of the Discard cycle
I have never cheated on you; you are the cheater, and I am not standing around to be abused anymore.
I am honest and everyone knows it. No one will ever believe your lies because you are a pathological liar.
I was never like this before you came into my life. I hate drama and you thrive on it.
You are crazy and you need help.
How to Break the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
There is really only one way to break the narcissistic abuse cycle and heal from it’s impact; that’s through therapy. However, recovering from a trauma of any kind requires more than simply talking about one’s feelings. If you have been in a traumatic relationship with a narcissist, your nervous system has probably been though the ringer. Clients I have worked with who have survived the narcissistic abuse cycle often struggle with trauma symptoms such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Boundary problems
Anger
Shame
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