Even if you know your marriage is really, truly over, you still need to give yourself some time and space. "Although there's no 'magic' time frame by which one is ready to date, I typically recommend that one wait about a year,". "Separation or divorce is an emotionally draining time. Although it might be tempting to lick your wounds with positive attention from another, this distraction can actually inhibit you from the healing work that is necessary to move forward in a healthy way with someone in the future."
1. You’re Feeling Worthless and are Afraid to Trust Again.Does this describe you? You feel like there is absolutely no way this attractive, wonderful (wo)man could like someone like you.
What’s behind this feeling? Your heart still hurts, your wounds fester, you might feel guilty and blame yourself for the broken marriage
Why not date? If your heart’s still bleeding, you’re vulnerable, even if your new partner is very sensitive and tender. It’s a very special time. Easy to get hurt, unintentionally. You might feel emotionally unstable. And if you breakup with this new person, you’re going to be left much worse off than before.
What to do instead? Take care of yourself, be very kind to yourself, like you would to a person you’re in love with. Let it be YOUR time.Work on your self esteem.
2. You Believe Men are Monsters or Women are Wicked
Does this describe you? You’re not able to say a single good thing about your Ex. On the contrary, you can easily give five detailed examples of (wo)men being nasty pigs. If your Ex put on twenty pounds and was dumped by his/her new partner you’d call it karma doing good job.What’s behind this belief? Anger – or even rage and fury – at your ex.
Why not date? Do you know how it is to talk to someone who’s agitated and shouting back at you ‘I am calm!!!’? Yeah, same thing here.
What to do instead? Get your anger out! Use screaming and hitting to get your fury out. There’s no need to let it grow inside! Get the crap out!
3. You (or Your Friends) Think you Should be Ready
Does this describe you? Friends suggest you should start dating again – or you see your ex and his new girlfriend’s pictures on FB, all happy and in love, and you feel maybe you should move on, too. Not that you’re eager to jump into this dating thing, but you think maybe you ought to.
What’s behind this thought? You haven’t closed this stage of your life yet. Easy, sometimes it really takes time.
Why not date? By giving false hope, you may accidentally hurt someone who really doesn’t deserve it.
What to do instead? Make a goodbye ritual in order to leave the past behind. You might take your time and do nothing, as well, but on the other hand… don’t waste too much of your life…
4. You’re Jaded, Bitter, and Suspicious
Does this describe you? You’re looking for red flags, even if s/he gives no reason to worry. You’re so afraid you’ll get hurt again.
What’s behind these feelings? Lack of trust in yourself, others and life. That’s a very natural feeling after a divorce. But having said so, it’s extremely hard to build any relationship on distrust.
Why not date? Your anxiety will only rise. Expecting another hurt might work like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What to do instead? Work on building your self-worth. It’s a very long process, but it’s doable. Your divorce has certainly taught you a lot. You are able to choose the right person for yourself. And even if it doesn’t work out, you are strong enough to deal with it. You just need to believe it.
5. You’re Picturing a Future Together on Your First Date
Does this describe you? On the first date, you ask her how many children she wants to have, or you’re assessing whether he would make a good husband. In your mind, you’re already choosing wallpaper and furniture for the house you two will share.
What’s behind this sense of urgency? Who are you? Besides being a spouse, who are you anyway? You can’t go back in time, but in order to move on you need to rebuild yourself. Discover yourself again.
Why not date? Hold on! Maybe he’s a nice guy or she’s an interesting girl, but – do you know them at all? What situations have you seen them in? How do they react, when stressed? What do they say when a waiter brings you burnt steaks? What are their priorities? And do you have a chance to be in the top three? What are they like with family and friends? I understand the connection is special, but it’s just hormones. Enjoy this feeling like a teenager. But the decisions – make them as a grown up.
What to do instead? Rebuilding yourself takes time. You need time to discover who you are first. What do you like, what are you priorities, values? What are you like now?
6. Ask if you're dating again for the right reasons.
"If the 'why' is to avoid painful feelings like hurt, anger, or loneliness, then it may be helpful to take some time to heal before jumping back into dating," "If the 'why' is because you have taken time to heal, you now want to date more than you feel like you need to date, and you're willing to feel all the emotions involved in dating again, then it’s a good sign that you're ready. Dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability, tolerance of uncertainty, and willingness to feel a range of emotions in the hopes of making positive new connections and relationships."
7. Know your priorities.
Figure out what you're looking for in a partner. What are your dealbreakers? What are the values you're most looking for? Figuring that out first will save you from wasting time with someone who isn't going to be a good match in the long run.
Dating is going to require some effort on your part, even in the easiest coupling. "No relationship is perfect and the ones that last take work!" Heal and increase your self-awareness as you participate in the dating process. Heal yourself so you attract healthy people!"If have a bad feeling about someone, move on. "Remember, dating is interviewing!". "Don't be afraid to end a date or stop dating someone if you sense a 'red flag.' Beware of the person who blames their ex for everything."
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